Despite my distaste for political discourse, I feel it is time I chime in on one of the more important issues of this modern age: namely, whether or not gays should have the right to eat corn.

Corn is as American as apple pie. It's more American than apple pie! Corn was here long before pie crust. The fabric of our nation is woven with corn husks, and whether you roast it, pop it or wear it: corn is as much a part of our American heritage as Nancy Reagan.

Yet, certain people seek to defile that heritage. There are icky heavy metal bands who soil the name "corn" with misspellings (eg: Korn). There are pesky minorities (eg: "blacks") who dare to wear their hair in fashions that mock our American livelihood (eg: "corn rows.") And now, after years of respectable silence, the gay community wants our American government--the government we finance with our tax dollars--to allow them to eat corn!

I find this repulsive. Corn-eating should be between a heterosexual and his cob. No thought is more repulsive than the thought of a homosexual plucking an ear of corn from God's green earth and stuffing it into his gay gay gay mouth. But while I admit I'm slighlty biased (a gay killed my hound dog), I firmly believe that allowing gays the right to eat corn will not only be detrimental to our community, but to our entire country.

Take this child for instance:

As you can see, this sweet, innocent God-fearing daughter of Heaven is eating corn. As her small body imbibes those kernals, think of the values each yellow nugget is instilling in her: God! Country! Heritage! Tradition! Reba!

Now think of that same corn, only now it has been touched by the hands of a recently empowered gay corn eater. This American daughter--one who might have made her family proud, marrying a football star or a televangelist--is now poisoned by the gay seed. Her values will evaporate, leaving behind a raging, seething corpse; fiery nostrils and hooves to boot. America, do you want your daughter to look like this?

It is with great pride, then, that I recall the president's words today to our great nation. His decision to support an ammendment ending gay corn consumption is a sign that American values are not a thing of the past, they are a thing of the future. If we allow gays to eat corn, what next? Give midgets the right to eat bacon?

Please, America, urge your Congressman to ban gay corn consumption. The future of our great nation depends on it. Do it for the children: